Archive for October, 2009
Cougars like their meat medium rare. That’s according to a new survey showing older woman who date younger men prefer their cubs between the ages of 24 and 29. The Cougar Report 2009, carried out by Cougared.com, a dating website targeted at older women and younger men, found that almost half of the women surveyed would prefer to date a man in the 24-29 age group. Men in their 30s are not too far over the hill though for prowling cougars – one third of women said they prefer men between 30 and 37 years old. Men outside these age groups hardly get a look in. Cougars would rather chase their own tails than chase them.
Older Women Going After Younger Men
The majority of the women who took part in the survey were in their 40s (52 percent) and 50s (29 percent) and the men they seek are usually 10 to 20 years younger. And the reasons they date younger men? They have, they say, a better attitude and are hotter in bed than men their own age. It also makes them feel younger, the conversation is lighter and they like to party. According to the poll, older men carry too much emotional baggage, are too serious, are lazy and have let themselves get out of shape. Some women dated younger men because they wanted to turn the tables on the age old tradition of older men chasing girls half their age.
Cougars Looking For A Lasting Relationship
But if you think older women are dating younger men just for the sex, think again. More than 90 percent of cougars are looking for a lasting relationship. Cougars prefer to toy with their prey online before going on a date with them. About two thirds of women polled say they found their playmate on either a cougar or mainstream dating site or social networking sites. Not unusually, the most common hunting ground for cougars offline, are bars and clubs (42 percent) or over the water cooler at work (35 percent). Some cougars had also met their young lovers through family and friends, at sports clubs and book clubs or just out on the street.
And once they have lured them away from the crowd, cougars are likely to be found tantalizing the taste buds of their prey with dinner on a first date or drinks at a bar or club. And while just over half said they would split the check on the first date, a lot of women liked the traditional touch of the men picking up the check. A small minority of cougars like to spoil their playthings and pay for dinner themselves.
Once A Cougar Snatches A Cub, She’ll Never Go Back
And if a younger man is looking to spoil an older woman he should take her to a friendly local restaurant or feed her his own tasty morsels cooked by his own fair hands in the comfort of his own home. A majority of the cougars were seasoned pros at hunting out cubs and have been on the scene for several years. And once they’ve dated one young man, it seems they can never go back to men their own age. The vast majority of those polled had dated more than one younger man.
And while a younger guy’s friends will accept their buddy dating an older women, his family won’t usually won’t. While some kept their cougar a secret, 73% said that the younger guy’s friends never made a big deal that their buddy was dating an older woman. But nearly half of the women said their young lovers kept their cougar relationship a secret from their family.
To see the full report go to http://www.cougared.com/report
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The problem with pleasure is nothing…except the interpretation we bring to it. Sometimes I think the only other topic with more confusion around it is that of money (i.e. the misreading of scripture that “money is the root of all evil”). From a similar, puritanical place we are taught that pleasure is synonymous with selfishness. That it degrades the spirit. That giving pleasure is better than receiving it. That we shouldn’t have too much fun because then something bad will happen.
Different Kinds Of Pleasure
There are aphorisms and superstitions around the topic of pleasure that do not serve anyone. Truth told: pleasure should be the predominant experience of a person’s life with pain being the exception. Of course, here at AskDanandJennifer.com, the kind of pleasure that first comes to mind is sexual pleasure. But pleasure is something that should be a part of most of our pursuits in life. In your job, career, volunteer work, hobbies, friendships, family, shopping, religious or spiritual expression, there should always be a pay off for giving your time, attention, and talents to these pursuits. And the pay offs should provide genuine pleasure.
For instance, some people choose careers in order to please their parents. To make a different choice, even if it brought personal satisfaction and pleasure, would produce too much guilt. There’s a negative pay off to pursuing the career or job that makes the parents happy and that is you get to feel loyal. But that loyalty can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and deep unhappiness. Whereas, suffering a little guilt and pursuing your dreams can produce satisfaction, joy, and tremendous happiness!
Over-Pleasing
Some people are the sounding boards for practically every single person in their lives. They wind up giving and giving and giving until it hurts! They give their time, attention, even their money, to make sure that the people in their lives know they are loved and valued. The problem is these folks don’t get this kind of love and attention returned to them. They are so easy to get along with and so pleasing, that everyone who uses them thinks they’re fine, that they have it all together, and that they don’t anything from anybody.
There is initial pleasure for the giver in such relationships because it does feel good to be so well appreciated. However, the day comes when most conversations with your friends and colleagues make you feel like a used, dirty rag. Real pleasure comes from relationships that have healthy give and take from both sides. Everyone needs to receive regular attention and nurturing support. Some give of themselves sexually in such a way as to please their partner for fear that attending to their own pleasure will have bad results. They fear coming across as too self-centered. Truthfully, there is no greater pleasure than knowing your lover totally trusts you with his or her sexual pleasure. It is a huge complement when your partner melts at your touch, or over the way your breath feels on the back of her neck, or through the direct eye contact he gives you that lets you know you’ve found the exact right spot.
Sexual Pleasure
If your romantic partner refuses to find pleasure in your sensuality and makes you feel wrong in any way for desiring sexual pleasure or sensual attention; it takes a lot of courage to confront the situation inside yourself, in the first place, and with him or her as well. Our bodies, minds, and souls were built to receive pleasure. If you deny yourself this natural, human expression, you’ll pay dearly with resentment, anger, even depression. Allowing someone to determine that you are bad or wrong for desiring pleasure is the same thing as denying yourself.
Having trouble with pleasure is built in to a variety of cultures around the world. However, there is a simple and effective way that will allow you to open up to receive more pleasure in your life. It does take courage and some effort, but it’s worth it. All you have to do is commit to loving yourself more each day. People who love themselves allow greater amounts of pleasure into their lives. If they are alone, they take care of their own needs and desires. If they are in a relationship, they learn how to effectively ask for what they want. Because they appreciate themselves and their own pleasure so much, they have a whole lot of love and pleasuring to give as well. A circle of energy is created in their lives with plenty of give and take in most of their relationships.
Pleasing Yourself
With a commitment to love yourself more each day, you find yourself doing and saying things to you that you would give to someone you highly value. You say, “I love you!” to yourself. You give yourself good strokes for things well done. You dress in such a way that you enhance your good feelings towards yourself. You are patient with yourself and yet you challenge you to be better, strive farther, and accomplish more because you value your potential! These kinds of things will give you pleasure. As your self-worth and pleasure increase, you will attract those who desire to give you pleasure as well. And then life will be fuller, richer, and sweeter – with the hard times handled with more grace and confidence.
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As news broke recently about David Letterman’s admitted relationships with women who worked for him, it points again to the fact that people in the spotlight tend to act out when stressed and pursue illicit relationships. The Letterman scandal was brought to light by a CBS newsman who originally tried to use the information as part of an extortion scheme. The man was apparently desperate and deeply in debt when he tried to blackmail the talk show host for two million dollars, forcing the late night comic to acknowledge having sex with some of the women who work for him.
This accusation and subsequent admission on Letterman’s part has created a sticky legal and professional situation. Although the affairs were prior to his marriage to his long-time girlfriend, the couple was apparently together during the time of the indiscretions.
What’s Behind Serial Adultery?
I’m reminded of the circumstances surrounding John Edward’s affair. While some of the key details are different – Edwards had a family, his wife was sick, he was likely fearing her death and a drastic change in his family and career – many of the important details are the same. Both are men in the spotlight, under an immense amount of pressure. People in the public eye have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel. Edwards and Letterman both have the problem of being serial adulterers, which I explain more in my book, Makeup Don’t Breakup. But the good news is that since both these men have come clean to their families and the public, this situation can actually bring their respective families closer. The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with.
Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. More information on facilitating these types of discussions following potentially disastrous indiscretions – relational, financial and otherwise – can be found in my book, Financial Infidelity.
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I got a phone call this week from a woman whose relationship was falling apart. It had been fading for a long time and likely didn’t have the potential to be re-birthed. She wanted a magic cure for it. I worked with her from her perspective of trying to save it and towards the end of an hour long conversation, we got to the nuts and bolts of what had likely gone wrong; which was also the thing that could bring the relationship back to life.
Losing All Respect
What had gone wrong was within a couple of years of their relationship, she stopped respecting her man. When you stop respecting someone, there is no neutral. No respect results in words and behavior that communicate disrespect. Disrespect from his woman will tear at a man’s love for her. If they don’t catch the problem and fix it, that disrespect will ruin the relationship.
As I coached her to share respect in verbal and physical ways, I faced a challenge I always face whenever I have this conversation with a disrespecting woman. I said to her, “Men are just fine as they are. They don’t need to be fixed or improved. The way they are, the way they handle themselves, is perfectly fine.”
She interrupted me at that point and said, “For them,” meaning men are only perfectly fine just the way they are in the company of other men but not in the company of women. There is the rub. There is the relationship disrespect that makes a man walk away. It is subtle and insidious. Nothing says “I love and adore you,” to a man quite like verbalizing and showing your respect of him. Remember or imagine what it is or would be like when your fellow says, “I love and adore you!” It nurtures you, feeds you, and improves the relationship. In the exact same way, that is how a man experiences the words, “I respect you.”
How To Express Your Respect
I have to be honest, though. It isn’t easy for a woman to express her respect for a man either verbally or through her actions. I don’t know why it isn’t easy. It does seem to be a universal challenge for women. I imagine the answer to why is multi-dimensional and multi-generational. But at the end of the day, “why” doesn’t matter. This is a relationship problem that behavior modification can solve. It takes discipline but is quite simple. Whenever you find yourself respecting or admiring him for anything, no matter how small or big a deal it is, tell him so. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable. You may choke on the words, but say it. You’re not the only person in the room and I can tell you from experience, he will not experience your discomfort. Rather, he will feel seen, heard, appreciated, and deeply loved. Those are results that make the discomfort worthwhile!
Show him you love him. When your best girlfriend shares an interest with you that you could care less about, you don’t dismiss her or tune her out. But we tend to roll our eyes and huff and puff when the men we love request our attention for something they’re interested in that we are not. Stop those eyes from rolling, focus on him and give him your full attention. He will feel respected and he’ll adore you for it. This isn’t about becoming “perfect respecters.” Relationships can’t be perfect. Life and relationships are messy on this planet. The thing is there are ways to make life and relationships more fun and fulfilling. Women respecting men and men loving women are key ingredients to the recipe of making life and relationships yummy!
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Our beloved dog, Buddy, died this week. As a rescue dog, we were never sure of his age, but believe he was at least fifteen. He was a big black dog with white and black dotted “socks” on his feet. Of all the breeds that contributed to his physique, the Labrador retriever in him was most evident. He was beautiful and he seemed to think I had hung the moon. He was a dear family member and, although it is a privilege to be able to help a pet exit this earthly plane, letting him go was painful.
How Grief Can Affect Your Relationship
This journey with Buddy brought home to me the affects of grief on a relationship. Grief is a part of every loss, whether it is the loss of a precious heirloom, a job or career, a quality like faith, or a relationship. Some women even feel grief when a fingernail breaks! It doesn’t tend to be long lasting grief, but the loss brings an experience of grief, even if it is short lived.
There are a variety of ways grief can affect your relationship. The most notable is how when we’re grieving our attention turns inward. It can be difficult to tolerate other people complaining about the trials and tribulations of their lives. If your significant other is used to depending on you to process the irritations of the day, you can find it bugs you in a way it never did before. Impatience and arguments can then ensue.
How Grief Affects You
Impatience with the things in life that don’t work tends to become inflamed during grief. Not being able to get the cap off a bottle can result in a broken bottle and feelings of rage. Too many things going wrong, even if they’re insignificant, can result in head banging or a fist through a wall. At this point the grief becomes complicated with the addition of shame for having lost such control over something so seemingly meaningless.
Another way grief affects you and your relationship is how it makes your body ache. It is as if your muscles respond to your emotional state. It can cause you to feel listless and lifeless. Things that used to bring you joy simply don’t any more. Your appreciation for those things will return; but in the meantime, your spouse may be frustrated as his or her attempts to lift your spirit with these things fall flat.
Grieving affects your appetite. Some people crave nurture food when they grieve and others eat less. If your relationship has problems with food, grief can shake it up. If dieting is a big part of your relationship, turning to food can cause a great deal of stress. If your partner is concerned that you are eating too little, he or she can come across as a nagging mother and cause consternation.
Grief Is An Expression Of Love
When grief accompanies a loss through death or separation; landmines (in the form of memories and habits) lie everywhere. My dog Buddy was my shadow. With his declining health, I was in the habit of sneaking out of my office when taking little breaks so as to not wake the sleeping giant. Usually I failed at this and he would pull himself up off the floor, following me to the kitchen or laundry or wherever. During this first week following his death, whenever I get up from my desk my stomach clinches as I anticipate trying to sneak out, hoping he’ll continue to sleep, only to find the floor beside my desk is empty. When the loss is a family member and the landmine is, for instance, bath time with a child that no longer takes place, grief can be crippling to the parents and to their relationship.
The solution to the problem is time and patience. Joy will return. Happiness will come back. Sleeping through the night will occur. Laughter will fill the belly. These things and more will creep back into your life (or your loved one’s life) unexpectedly. You won’t be able to plan them on your calendar but they will return. In the meantime, recognizing the toll grief takes while choosing to be patient begins the healing process.
If you or a loved one are in the throws of grief, hang in there. Grief is an expression of love. Remind yourselves that a day will come when choosing joy will be the best expression of love for that absent person or pet. In the meantime, giving grief the space it needs is love enough.
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Here’s the deal; the facts are in. At least 50% of marriages don’t make it—which, if you’re a gambler, is slightly better than a crap shoot.
Celebrities are notorious for quickie marriages, and it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party? It’s not like love has a shelf life.
Can A Quickie Marriage Be Successful?
What I do know about celebrities is they know something about success. It takes discipline, skill and focus (and perhaps a little luck) to turn your desire into reality. I am not convinced that celebrities understand the game they are in, that is, when it comes to relationships. I feel whatever their motivations for wedlock—“looks good, feels good,” ratings, or whatever—they would benefit by focusing on the fact that the same commitment, discipline and skill that supported their success is needed to enjoy a successful relationship; particularly a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable one.
While celebrity marriages may seem qualitatively different than the average boy-meets-girl scenario, all relationships thrive best when they rest on a solid foundation. In some ways, the celebrity relationship needs to pay even greater mind to this, as their relationship is subject to stresses, pressure and scrutiny that on a good day most of us cannot even fathom.
So I would say to anyone considering a quickie marriage, go for it! IF you have managed in this three-week period to establish the following, at minimum:
-Their top three non-negotiables.
-If this person is worthy of their unconditional devotion and respect.
-A strong “out” clause or good consciousness agreement.
-If they themselves are a strong, loyal, devoted, trustworthy partner.
-They have revealed all their deep secrets or habits that have the potential to destroy the relationship if not revealed and healed.
-They have cleaned up all their past relationships.
-Have the capacity to tell the truth despite the consequences, and see the value of truth as a cornerstone of their relationship.
-Love each other’s friends and current daily lifestyle.
-Have agreed upon children and child-rearing responsibilities.
-Understand and are in alignment about money.
-They are confident in each other’s ability to negotiate their feelings and concerns responsibly.
-Know what each other values most in life.
-Have shared and are in alignment and support of their 10-year plan.
-Have agreed to see someone (either within the family or outside) to act as an unbiased counselor, to help support the relationship should they get stuck or feel they cannot resolve any matter that has the potential to end the relationship.
Off To A Good Start
This, I believe, would afford anyone a good start. While relationships are a great breeding ground for personal development, chemistry as a litmus test for the potential of a relationship is too often a crash-and-burn method & can be quite painful. Rather than each failed relationship being a lesson learned, the pain becomes either fuel for the next one or a barrier to intimacy.
In our 20’s we are at a peak in some ways, in terms of learning about who we are and who we are not, and oftentimes get into relationships based largely on chemistry—without having acquired some essential relationship tools and turned them into skills. Life will teach us soon enough. The good news is, if you really want a healthy relationship, you are in a position to develop these skills, provided you have interviewed each other and revealed their shadows and non-negotiables to each other. Some of these deal-breakers, like Cheaters Are Always the Bad Guys? You May Be Wrong” href=”http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/infidelity-cheating-affair/think-cheaters-are-always-the-bad-guys-you-may-be-wrong/”>infidelity or drug or alcohol addiction, are things that you want to know before you get married, not after!
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“Most power conflicts in intimate relationships occur when one partner tries to treat the other as a child, mother, or father.” - Bert Hellinger
Over the weekend, I watched as newlyweds innocently tore at their relationship when he treated her like she was his mom and she treated him like he was her little boy.
At one point, someone needed him for something and as he was finished with his coffee, he handed his empty cup to his wife and said, “Here, honey.” As he left to go where he was needed she said derisively, “Thanks, for giving me your trash, honey!” It caught him off guard as he did a double take. But he didn’t try to remedy the situation.
Later, as they were seated and talking to someone nearby, she reached up and scrubbed his head the way you’d treat a little boy. I mean a little guy – someone at least younger than nine years old if not at least younger than five, actually! He shrunk from her touch, ducking and scowling while gently growling, “Don’t do that!” His dignity was compromised but he attempted to protect hers even as he told her to stop.
Treating Your New Spouse Like A Child
When he handed his wife his empty cup, he may as well have said, “Here, mom!” It’s what kids do with their mothers. She didn’t like being treated like a mother by her man; but then later, she treated him like a youngster.
There are a number of dynamics occurring here. This relationship is several years old and included the two of them living together, but the marriage isn’t yet six months old. Something changes in a relationship when the marital knot is tied. It doesn’t matter how enlightened you may be nor does it matter how committed you were to each other before you got married, something concrete shifts in your relationship dynamics when you wed.
One reason this shift happens is because once you are married; you become family to one another. That legal bond is deeply affecting. When you become family, the relationship is at a new stage where natural and understandable mistakes happen. One of these is dropping into a pattern of demonstrating love the way you were loved by your parents.
Doing Away With Your Sex Drive
It’s the darndest thing and completely annoying; because when you show each other love the way your parents loved you, it pours cold water on your desire for each other. No healthy man wants to make love to his mother or daughter and no healthy woman wants to make love to her father or son. So, when you try to fill those roles with each other, it dampens your sex drive.
When you treat each other like children or parents in public places, you humiliate yourselves, creating resentment. This also does nothing for your sex drive towards each other!
Another way getting married affects a relationship is that in a marriage, life just works easiest when there is a leader and a follower. I think we instinctively know this and so when we wed, we create power struggles to determine who will lead and who will follow. Treating each other like a child or parent is one of the fastest ways to engage in a power struggle to determine who will come out on top.
Treating Your Partner Like…A Partner
As a leading expert on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I can assure you that the newlywed game of treating each other like children (or parents) is chronic. It takes vigilance to bring it to a halt. The only way to do it is to treat it like a bad habit. Even if it is a brand new habit born of the newness of the relationship, treat it like an old habit because it’s something that has a hold of you in a deep place inside. It will not give up the fight easily!
You will begin by catching yourself after the offensive act or remark. It may be days and days of catching yourself after the fact before you can catch yourself in the middle of it. Once you are catching yourself in the middle of treating him or her like a child or parent, just stop right there. You can tell each other what you hope to accomplish. I promise, your effort will be appreciated!
One fine day, you will find that you catch yourself before you belittle your man or confuse your woman with your mother. That will be a fine day indeed! Keep up the good work and a time will arrive when it just doesn’t happen anymore. By then your respect and cherishing of one another will have grown with multiple benefits besides!
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I’ve written earlier about the craze that seems to be infiltrating many communities and homes, creating less than ideal conditions for babies and parents: the bumpaholic. And I believe this type of pregnancy can be less than ideal for several reasons.
It’s for the wrong reasons. We’ve all heard about the more common situations under which a pregnancy isn’t a good idea, even if it’s planned. Things like getting pregnant to keep the man, to try and save the relationship, or to create a bigger purpose in your life. But here’s another ill-advised reason to procreate: an attempt to recapture those feel-good hormones people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family.
Women in these situations should look at the reasons why they’re desiring this type of attention and endorphin rush. In my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup I talk about why relationships stagnate and then go south and investigate ways to keep this from happening. If you’re searching for attention and connection, examine that with your partner before you bring another person into your lives!
Reasons Not To Get Pregnant Right Now
It’s financially stressful. Sure, there’s never a PERFECT time to have a baby, but naturally certain times are better than others! With the financial strain many of us are facing now, it’s simply not wise to add and additional financial burden to the equation. Which brings me to my next point.
Doing so can create strain in a relationship. In many Bumpaholic situations, the women often strongly desires to get pregnant while the man may be more reticent. Pressuring a partner into having a baby can be one of the most dangerous forms of financial infidelity. Not only can it easily become a point of contention between partners, it can also present an unhealthy and volatile environment to bring a kid into.
It’s denying feelings at the core. I touched on this in my first point, but when it comes to feel-good hormones and attention paid to us, it’s only natural to want more! We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.
These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.
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My gal pal told me she read a book this guy wrote ( If I had one less scruple, I might tell you his name–for now, we’ll call him something friendly, like Penile Supremacist…PS for short. Fine–forget that, let’s just call him Jack. There! Who can argue with that?) So JACK made quite an impression on my not-so-easily-impressionable gal pal recently. She rang me straight away to give me the scoop.
“Maryanne, you’re not going to believe what @#$% says in his book!” She’s known me for 15 years now, knows that in general male/female issues have been in my top 10 list of favorite things to get bunged up about…particularly when they’re coming from downwind, let’s say. Historically, she delivers the message and then runs for cover. As she started recounting “The top10 qualities women are looking for in relationship with men.” Here’s all I can remember:
Top Qualities Women – And Men – Are Looking For
1) Presence
2) Intelligence
3) Sense of humor
But then she started in on the men’s list – which I remember every detail of. But then, it’s not difficult to remember – here you go:
1) Great in the sack
2) Great in the sack
3) Great in the sack
4) Great in the sack
5) Great in the sack…
Stop me if I’m going too fast, here. I’m sure JACK doesn’t mean to reduce all men to one silly mantra, and I must give him credit for the fact that he then asked these gentleman to rethink the question, and they did come up with some insightful, significant qualities they are looking for in their relationships with women.
But I feel I must respond to these beliefs with some beliefs of my own: We have developed skills beyond pounce and attack. How does someone who is in the position of teaching open, impressionable people get away with spouting ancient stereotypes like he was proud of the “well-known fact” that men often think with their smorgasbords?
The point is–well, one point is: Making love is an art – and it’s not just about the sex. It’s no wonder so many women think being great in the sack is a good investment of their time. How about we all revisit that list, people…take pen and paper and make your own list. Look and see what unconscious ideas you may have about the other sex…’cause when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
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If you’re learning how to give a great blowjob, one of the best tips you can employ is being in charge and being confident of your abilities to give great head. Even if you’re new at it, being in charge can be pleasurable for both you and your partner. Here’s why!
Click here to view the embedded video.
Why It’s Good For Him
Since most men take control during sex and even during a blowjob, logically, it doesn’t make sense that they would want to give up control, does it? But get this – most men take control during sex because they have no choice. Many women don’t know how to enjoy themselves during sex and end up lying there, making the man do all the work if he wants anything to happen. Guys are actually aching to give up control! What better way to get pleasure than to have a woman worship your penis and be completely devoted to giving you pleasure? It’s awesome! He loves it when you take control, let him lie back and enjoy the ride.
Why It’s Good For You
Taking charge when giving head is good for you because you get to do what you want to do. Don’t like a certain position? Try another one. Getting a jaw cramp? Switch to using your hand for a little while. Deep throating make you gag? Lick it like a lollipop instead. Of course you want to take his verbal and non-verbal feedback into account when using different techniques and do what he likes best, but you want to be comfortable and enjoy giving him head as much as he enjoys getting it.
Why You Need To Be Confident
It’s important to be confident – or at least appear that way – when you’re going down on your guy. Nothing ruins a great blowjob than a passive girl asking, “Am I doing this right?” or “Did I do something wrong?” Sure, you want to ask your man questions. But you want to use positive, confident phrases that assert your control, such as “Do you like this?” or “Does this feel good?” or even, “Tell me what feels good.” Your demeanor can actually make all the difference during fellatio. You want your man to relax and let go, feeling good about leaving you in the driver’s seat. Who wants to enjoy the ride with a driver who’s constantly worried they’ll wreck and asking you if they’re hitting the brakes right or accelerating properly?
A blowjob works much the same way – a guy just wants to know that you know what you’re doing (or at least perceive that you know what you’re doing) and get lost in the feeling of getting great head. So be confident and take charge! You’ll both like blowjobs a lot better if you do.
Think You Know How To Give A Great Blowjob? Take the Blowjob Quiz and find out!
Take just a minute to check out ‘Blow His Mind Tonight’: “What Your Man Secretly Wishes You Knew About Oral Sex… But Will Never, Ever Tell You To Your Face!”
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