Archive for January, 2010
As we enter the new year, it’s important to take stock of our finances and what we expect our financial ad relational future to look like this year. Financial fidelity is something anyone at any income level at any stage in a relationship can benefit from. It stems from being honest with your partner about your finances. Sounds simple enough, right? Basic relationship 101? It may SEEM simple, but if that were truly the case, finances wouldn’t be one of the leading causes of divorce. The truth is, many couples – no matter how long or short of a time they’ve been together – struggle when it comes to being honest about their money.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
What I call “financial infidelity” (and which I talk about extensively in the book Financial Infidelity) can take on many different forms. It can be as simple and mundane as keeping $20 for yourself when you go to deposit a check or it can be as complicated and public as keeping a woman in every city. The basic idea underlying financial infidelity is that it’s something you’re trying to keep from your significant other. To some, a $20 withdrawal may not be a big deal but if that’s beyond what you’ve discussed in your personal relationship as being over the limit then it’s a form of financial infidelity.
Staying financially faithful can look different at different phases of a relationship. If you haven’t been together for that long, for example, your conversation would be different than a couple who’s been together for years. You might start by doing things like:
- Ask questions about how money has been used in their family: worries, abandonment, shame, blame around money.
- Asking questions like this will eliminate any problems or irreconcilable differences, and is a way to see who is flexible and who is not, in reference to money and power, and struggles over money.
- Do a budget for yourself (if you don’t already have one) to help answer some of these questions for yourself.
- As you move forward in your relationship, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.
Reward Yourself For Fidelity
A couple who’s been together longer would go more in-depth and be up front about how you and your partner are dealing with money without shame and blame or judgement. Do a budget and if you are a spender you will see how different it is to pay your bills. Give yourself a reward – not money – if you follow this. Spend time at home re-prioritizing, which costs nothing. And again, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.
I encourage you to find a system that works for you and talk to your partner about money and financial expectations. Here’s to an open, honest and successful 2010!
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It’s happened to many of us – our best friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend likes us, and we’re afraid of destroying their relationship. It’s a weird, uncomfortable type of threesome that can really weigh on everyone’s shoulders. What can you do in this sort of situation?
Question: My best friend’s girlfriend has feelings for me, and my best friend knows it but he still loves her anyway. I fear that her liking me is destroying their relationship because they are fighting all the time. I don’t want them to break up because of me, because they make the perfect couple. I need your help – what should I do?
–YouTube Viewer
Click here to view the embedded video.
What Can You Do?
Unfortunately, there is not a single thing you can do about how someone feels about you. You can’t change or stop their feelings, so if she likes you and has feelings for you, there’s nothing you can do to change that. So ask yourself these questions – Are you egging it on? Are you flirting with her and leading her to believe there is something going on between you? Or are you simply just aware that she has feelings for you? Everyone enjoys flirting, and it can be fun when someone likes you, even if you don’t plan on taking it any further than flirting. But in this instance, flirting back with her can be detrimental, no matter if you want to start a relationship with her or not.
It’s Time For A Sit Down
Everyone in this situation needs to have a sit down, heart to heart talk. Everything needs to get out in the open, because feelings that are closeted can only make a situation worse. Sit down with your friends at home, in a comfortable and familiar environment that is not in public. Don’t have this conversation over dinner in a public place! Have a few drinks to relax if you will, but anyone that has too many at this point is simply a ticking time bomb. Let everyone have a chance to speak here, because everyone is involved. Listen to your friend and his girlfriend, and keep an open mind.
Two Choices To Make
If you return your best friend’s girlfriends feelings, it makes the situation a bit more complicated. Both you her have a choice to make in this situation. Each of you must choose the relationship you value the most, and begin to pursue only that relationship. If you value the relationship with your best friend more than you wish to pursue a relationship with his girl, it’s important that you keep her out of your life as much as possible. If you want to try your hand at having a relationship with the girl, it’s time to say goodbye to your best friend. Unfortunately, in this situation, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. There’s no way you can pursue a relationship with her, nor can she pursue a relationship with you, without losing your best friend. Take some time to think about what really matters to you here and what you feel is the most important, because you might need to make a sacrifice that will change your life.
Related articles:
- I’m In Love With My Best Friend. How Do I Tell Her? (Video)
- I Dated My Friend and It Didn’t Work Out… How Do We Get Our Friendship Back? (Video)
- The Easy Way To Get A Girlfriend
- Is My Girlfriend Using Me Or Is Her Love Real? (Video)
- Leaving the Friend Zone – How to Actually Ask Her Out On a Date (Video)
What is the best way to masturbate if you’re a guy? Is there a wrong way to masturbate? You asked, you want to know! Here are some great masturbation tips for guys, but feel free to get creative and make up your own ideas.
Question: I’m curious, what’s the best way to masturbate? (I’m a guy)
–YouTube Viewer
Click here to view the embedded video.
There Is No Wrong Way To Masturbate
No, there really isn’t a wrong way to masturbate as long as what you’re doing feels good. Very frequent masturbation can cause raw skin, but this usually isn’t too harmful and will go away in a few days when your penis is given a break from all the friction caused by masturbating. In very, very rare cases, frequent and rough masturbation can break the muscle fibers within the penis causing it to become crooked (we’re talking a lot of rough masturbation here). Normal and even daily masturbation won’t hurt you, as long as you’re pleasuring yourself and not causing any kind of pain. If your style of masturbation falls under those categories, have fun and don’t be afraid to be creative and find new ways of giving yourself pleasure! Regular masturbation is a healthy and fun part of every man’s sex life.
Hygeine And Comfort
The important thing when it comes to masturbation is to practice proper hygeine. Wash your hands before and after masturbation and if you use a lot of lubricant or lotion, wash your penis after masturbation as well. Make sure to clean up your ejaculate afterwards too. The best way to stay comfortable during masturbation is to use lots and lots of lubricant! A great, water based lubricant always works better than lotion and it lasts longer too. Find a private place to masturbate where you’re comfortable and can look at your favorite magazine or video for extra arousal. Make sure you’re not going to be disturbed in the process, so you can focus totally on yourself and your pleasure without worrying about someone coming in or getting caught. Lock the door!
Sex Toys For Boys
There are some great sex toys for boys out there that can be used during masturbation that can enhance the sensations and make masturbation even more pleasurable. Masturbation sleeves are excellent, because they’re soft, squishy and many of them even have great little suction cups. Penis pumps and penis rings are also great to use during masturbation as well. Anal plugs and anal beads also work well for masturbation if you enjoy anal play or prostate stimulation. Sex toys for boys work a lot better than homemade male masturbation toys, such as toilet paper rolls and fruits or pies! They feel better too! Of course, make sure to use lube with your toys - they work best when you use lots and lots of it! Just make sure to use proper hygeine after using a sex toy and wash it with special sex toy cleaner or hot, soapy water and dry it before you put it up. Believe it or not, investing in a good sex toy for masturbation can be a lot more satisfying than just using your favorite hand!
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It takes a lot of confidence to ask a girl out. Truth is, the only confidence you need to get the girl is self confidence. If you don’t have enough confidence in yourself as a person, you’ll never be comfortable asking a girl out, whether it’s any girl or the girl of your dreams. Can you get enough self confidence to ask a girl out?
Question: How do you get a girl if you don’t have much confidence in yourself? Do you think some one can find somebody if they don’t have any self confidence? How can you gain confidence to ask her out?
–YouTube Viewer
Click here to view the embedded video.
Believing In Yourself
Not having enough self confidence can be bad for you in more ways than just not being comfortable asking a girl out. Not having confidence in yourself will affect your job and your social life too. It’s important to have self confidence for a happy, successful life, in addition to having enough confidence to start dating. So it’s time to build yourself up. Start thinking about the great things about yourself rather than dwelling on all of your mistakes and wrongdoings. We all make mistakes, we’re human. Start figuring out what you like about yourself. Chances are, if you are confident enough to like something about yourself, other people will like it too.
Stop Seeking Outside Approval
People have a bad habit of seeking approval of themselves from others. Whether it’s your boss, your partner, your girlfriend or boyfriend or your spouse, people seek their approval before approving themselves. That’s absolutely backwards! You have to approve of yourself and be comfortable with yourself first before anyone else will approve of you. If you continue seeking outside approval of yourself, you’ll never get it. Start by looking within for self acceptance, so you can start to like yourself and be at peace with yourself. Everything else will fall into place.
Practice Makes Perfect
There’s nothing you have to lose if you ask a girl out and she says no. You’re just right back where you started. Frustrating as it is, it’s not a good reason to be shy and avoid asking girls out. You’ll never be comfortable asking a girl out until you practice doing it first! So maybe you don’t want to practice on the girl, but why not head up a bar or coffee shop and ask a girl out there, just to do it? She might say no, but at least you’ll have gotten some experience asking her out. You can also get over your shyness with girls by hanging out with them. Get to know the female species and what they’re all about. Girls can be difficult to understand, but by hanging out with them, you can get to know what they like and what they don’t like and you’ll get more comfortable just simply being around them. Also, if you’re too shy to ask a girl out, just go up to her and ask a question. Start a conversation. It doesn’t have to end in a date, but if you don’t go up and talk to her, it’s going to end in nothing at all. Girls love to talk and have conversations, especially if you’re the one asking her questions.
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He said, “I need to make you happy to even have a shot at being happy.” The words are spoken by Ben Affleck to Jennifer Aniston in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. For me, it is the second best scene in the movie after the scene where Jennifer tells Ben she wants him back – that in their life together, unmarried, he is more of a husband to her than any of the so-called “husbands” her sisters have.
Ben’s statement, however, hides a priceless piece of relationship advice. When a man loves a woman, he longs to make her happy. In the beginning of the relationship, this can be sweetly evident. It’s like there aren’t enough thoughtful things he can do for her! From opening doors to paying attention to her favorite foods so he can order for her to running interference on her behalf, he just wants to make her happy and it is as if his happiness depends on it.
His Happiness Depends On Your Happiness
His happiness does depend on it and this is why as time goes by, his attempts to make her happy can cause frustration for them both. The better they get to know each other, the more complicated it becomes for him to make her happy and the harder she makes it for him to make her happy. How does this happen? How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy?” Let me paint a picture from my own life to answer that question that any reader, male or female, will likely recognize.
Recently, my husband, Joseph, and I had lunch with some friends who kind of make me nutty. It’s just a personality conflict. However, these friends are only in my life because of him. They were his friends first. Whenever we see them, once he and I are alone together again, I invariably have to process the interactions that took place between them and me. As the years have gone by, I have learned to process my feelings about these interactions using “I” statements. So, I make my problems with them as much about me and as little about them as possible. Truly, because it is just a personality conflict and nothing personal, my issues are all about me, not them. So using “I” statements is the adult, responsible thing to do.
Processing Interactions
Years ago, before I was so mature, my processing events with these folks could result in an argument between Joseph and me. Invariably, I would feel as though I’d backed him into a corner where he had to choose between them and me; and then I’d be furious because in his defense of them I would feel tossed aside. Now that I use “I” statements, we don’t have those arguments. But the other day I realized I was talking and talking and talking out my process while he was remaining very quiet yet on the verge of laughing.
Finally, I squealed, “Why are you laughing at me?” He said, “I’m not laughing at you! I’m processing your process!” And I realized something important. Even with all the “I” statements, the fact that I always have to process these particular friends makes Joseph feel responsible for my happiness. Because he brought them into my life and because I’m not comfortable with them, to the point of having to process interactions, he feels as though he’s failed me. He needs to make me happy to even have a shot at being happy.
I used to think that men needed their women to like and respect all their friends and family in order to feel respected themselves. It was one of those this-is-how-you-protect-his-fragile-male-ego thing. Wow. I haven’t thought like that in so long that the sentence makes me want to gag! Yuck! I hate that manipulative way of perceiving men.
Let Him Make You Happy
That isn’t what’s going on. If his ego smarts at all when she disrespects his friends or family, it is because he’s stuck between a rock and hard place in his efforts to make her happy. He cannot give up all his friends and family who make her uncomfortable. That isn’t fair. At the same time, he cannot abide being responsible for her unhappiness. If his friends or family make her unhappy, he takes it on as his fault. And so, arguments ensue. If he can’t make her happy, maybe he can fix what’s wrong with her so that she can be happy. We all know that leads to even more conflict!
The answer to the problem: How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy!” is for both to realize what’s going on and just settle down. Making “I” statements settles down the energy. For instance, “I know it’s my problem and I feel badly about it but after awhile with them, I’ve just had enough.” “Me too! I’m the one who ended the evening early.” And then let it go. At this point, you’re on the same page. The energy is settling down. Continuing to run down the friends who make you nuts will only inflame it and risk an unnecessary argument.
So back to Ben’s hidden advice. He wants to make her happy. He really, really wants to make her happy. If she can accept the compliment, trusting his intention, appreciating his attempts and if he can understand that the longer they know each other the bigger a challenge it is to anticipate what will make her happy; then, they can learn how to communicate with each other so that his attempts to take care of her in this way are happily received by her, stoking the fire of their love.
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Fact or Myth: Married couples have 25% to 300% MORE sex than their single counterparts depending on age.
Believe it or not – that’s a fact! Contrary to popular belief, married couples actually have quite a bit of sex! So why are all the married couples trying to improve their sex lives? That’s because it’s about quality, not quantity. Married couples often have less satisfying sex than their single counterparts because things simply get boring. Here’s how to make all that married sex count!
- Make Time For Great Sex. Sure, you’ve heard it before. You might be thinking, “Not bloody likely!” But with the every day demands that we face, such as work and children, sex with our spouses often gets put on the back burner. Well, you’re going to have to make time for sex if you want a better, more satisfying sex life. And not a quickie – chances are, that’s what you’re already doing. Make time for good sex.
- Resolve Your Conflicts. Every married couple has conflicts. But when you and your spouse argue outside the bedroom, those feelings of anger, hurt and frustration often get carried into the bedroom. These feelings can affect your sex life in numerous significant ways. Spouses who have regular conflicts with each other don’t feel as emotionally close to their partners, making it difficult to totally open yourself to great sex. Resolving your conflicts with each other before getting busy can help you to feel emotionally and physically open to your partner, often resulting in mind blowing sex!
- Exercise Together. Exercise is a great boost for the libido, and exercising together? Even better. Not only do you get to spend time with your spouse that you ordinarly may not have been able to do, you also get to see them all hot and sweaty…well, you get the picture. In addition to the sexy, sweaty fun, exercising regularly (and eating a healthy, nutritious diet) will help keep you fit and attractive to your spouse.
- Flirt With Each Other. Remember when you and your spouse first started dating? There was lots of flirting going on, and neither you nor your partner were sure what was going to happen next. That fun, exciting feeling of having no idea of their next move often gets lost when you get married, mainly because you know exactly what is going to happen next. You can improve your sex life by bringing that flirty, fun feeling back into your relationship. Go to a bar with your spouse and exchange some witty banter and see where it heads.
- Be Completely Spontaneous. For the same reason flirting can often revv up the quality of sex in a marriage, so can a healthy level of spontaneity. Instead of going home for the night, just keep driving and see where it leads you. Surprise your spouse with a hot hotel room for the weekend, or wear a new, sexy pair of undies. If you usually wear boxers or panties, try wearing a string bikini or a thong. It doesn’t matter what you do, just be creative and break out of the norm. Surprise your partner with something totally unexpected, even if it’s something small.
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Love & Sex Answers: bit.ly — Question: 1.What are those bumps on the tip of my penis? 2. I have a friend who tells me about having odd small white spots on his penis, he says he hasn't had sex before and hes worried if somehow he got a sexually transmitted diseases. He is also scared to go to the GP, do you know what it could be and is it serious? 2 Ways to Ask Your Question: 1. Post a comment on our youtube channel 2. In the Love & Sex Forums – Go to askdanandjennifer.com and click the “Ask Us” link at the top. Distributed by Tubemogul.
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Getting a gift for your guy on Valentine’s Day is tricky business. Girls are easy to buy for – chocolates, flowers, jewelry. Cliche? Yes, but when have women ever not liked flowers or jewelry? Men, on the other hand, are a little bit tougher to buy for. So here are some great ideas for what to get him this Valentine’s Day – because YOU asked!
I have a question – what gifts do guys like to get for Valentine’s Day?
–YouTube Viewer
Click here to view the embedded video.
- Sexy Lingerie. Every guy loves seeing his woman in negligee. Make sure to find some that fits you – you want to look good and feel confident. Feel like you have a muffin top in the garter belt? Try a sweet, lacy babydoll instead. Your confidence is what makes it the sexiest.
- Have A Wild, Sexy Night. No good girls allowed! Be naughty, but definitely don’t be nice! Take this one night to let the wild girl inside you go.
- Try A Sex Game. Ever played a sex game before? They’re fun, and downright kinky at times. A sex game will not only take the guesswork out of what to do next, it keeps the night full of fresh, sexy ideas so you and your partner will never get bored.
- Sext Him. It’s Valentine’s Day, so sex is pretty much in the bag, right? Sure, but why not titillate him all day with racy text messages about what you’re going to do to him when you finally get him home alone? He’ll be so hot by the time he walks in the door, he won’t be able to help but jump all over you.
- Send Him A Racy Photo. One of the great things about cell phones is that the majority of them have a picture app. Take a racy (or raunchy, depending on how you guys like it) photo of yourself and send it to him as a surprise, given that you are18 or older. He won’t be able to stop thinking about you all day! Bonus points if you take a photo of yourself in the new lingerie you bought for the occasion.
- Fulfull His Deepest, Wildest Fantasy. Yes, your man has a fantasy. Has he told you about it yet? Probably not. If you can get him to divulge, let him know that this Valentine’s Day, his fantasies are going to come true. This may take some advance planning though, especially if it involves costumes and the like.
- Do A Sexy Striptease. Every guy loves a good striptease. Give him one like he would get at the club. Don’t know how to dance? No problem. A little writhing and grinding while he’s sitting in a chair is just as good.
- Get Him A Cool New Gadget. Is your guy a techie? How about getting him the latest gadget for his phone or laptop?
- Get Him Tickets To See His Favorite Team Play. If your guy is a sports buff, game tickets are a shoe-in.
- Give Him A Really Awesome Blowjob. What man doesn’t LOVE a good blowjob? None. Not one. So get some flavored lube and give your guy a fabulous one. Make the night all about him. He’ll go absolutely nuts!
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When it comes to the topic of teen “sexting”, the act of sending nude/barely dressed photos of ones self to another, I find it hard to believe that it can be a matter of “criminal offence” or a reasonable case for registering the photographer as a “sex offender,” especially considering the number variables and scenarios that come into play:
- The role of the media and it’s influence on teens, up to and including TV/movies/music videos/advertising/print ads etc, and their continual use of sexuality to attain views, target a specific market or gain financial income. If a teen sees something, isn’t educated about its consequences, can we blame them for following the trend? Isn’t that the intention of most media outlets, to influence our decisions and behaviours?
- Considering the amount of virtual unknowns that have become “celebrities” from sexual exploitation (i.e. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Tila Tequila to name a few)it’s to be expected that teenage girls will only follow their lead as they think its ’socially acceptable’, especially considering the level of fame and fortune that can be gained.
- The constant need of society to sexualize everything i.e. a picture of three teenage girls “goofing off” in a bathroom barely dressed becomes the target of someone wanting to make an example of ‘child abuse’ or ‘child pornography’.
- While it may sound out of place, I find we live in a society where there is a need to vilify others in order to seek a specific outcome; in cases where teens are taking photos of themselves and sending them, seeking to stop the behaviour in order to protect the “child” it is the child that becomes the so called “villain” with their behaviour tried in a court of law as “child abuse” or “child pornography”. It’s no longer the typical “Pedophile” found as the villain, instead the consequences fall on the “child” who is now treated as a creator of “child porn”. Something just seems wrong about that.
- The lack of sexual education and the role it plays in helping teens develop a healthy sense of self, respect and personal sexual awareness limiting the need for negative sexual gratification through personal exposure.
Does Sexting Constitute Child Pornography?
What I think I have the biggest issue with is that the terms “child porn” and “pedophile” are being brought into the discussion. I say this because very rarely is an adult the intended audience of such photos. Instead it is the teens friends, unrequited love or girlfriend/boyfriend of the same (or near) age that are the intended recipients. I can only assume that most teens not only know better, but are self respecting enough not to send random naked photos of themselves to adults. But that’s another issue.
As for the actual issue of “sexting” between teens, the first thing that springs to mind is the old school “right of passage” where a boy would get a girl’s panties/bra, then show them to his friends in a way of gaining social acceptance/deliverance into “manhood.” The action of providing “proof” of sexual behaviour for acceptance is not “new”, just the method in which it’s being translated.
With all of the advances in technology, teens no longer need to seek physical evidence (in the form of panties/bra or whatever it may be) to show proof of sexual behaviour to others in an attempt at acceptance/belonging. Now everything is push button, instant gratification…i.e. a boy gets a picture of a girls boobs, sends it to his friends and *poof* in an instant he’s cool for having such material because it proves that he’s “sexually active,” not only that but he’s “special” since he is the only person who has that photo.
Herein lies the problem, rarely (if ever) do photos stay between the two people involved in the “transaction.”
When A Sext Comes Back To Haunt You
With all of the “instant media” comes a loss of control; once something (a photo, text, etc.) leaves our hands we no longer have any control of who sees it. A person may have sent something with the intention of it only being seen by one other person, but unfortunately that is rarely the case.
One of the very unfortunate side effects of this scenario is the belittling, bullying, teasing and unwanted sexual advances that usually come with such exposure, something that isn’t realized by the sender until after the fact.
That said, teens (between the ages of 12-17) “usually” don’t have the insight, life experience or education/knowledge to make decisions that are forward thinking enough to consider the personal repercussions and consequences that come with such behaviour whether it be tomorrow, next week or 10 years down the line. Realizing this I think it’s highly unfair that a teen should be charged with something that can negatively affect the rest of his or her adult life the way claims of “child abuse” or “pornography” can.
I really do hate to say it, but this is where I think the benefit of active parenting comes into play; as a parent, knowing that my child has access to such personally exploitive technology, it is my responsibility to help teach them about the consequences, especially knowing that if left to their own devices most teens will do what they want, when they want, unless they know of the repercussions and punishments attached to the behaviour.
While I do place some of the sex ed responsibility on the parents, I can also understand that in today’s hectic society, where both parents spend most of their time working to sustain the family, there usually isn’t enough time to “actively parent”. Acknowledging that brings me to the question that’s most often presented in relation to “sexting”; do teens need to be “protected” from themselves?
In an answer, yes….but not to the extent most legal cases seek.
Sexting Shows A Need For Better Sex Ed…And Better Parenting
I agree that there needs to be some sort of regulation or rule against it. Not in the instance of it being a hardcore criminal offence like “pornography” or “child abuse” (which to me seems unreasonable) but instead possibly a lesser charge of “indecent exposure” for the sender or “defamation of character” for the receiver (if it’s spread around without permission from the sender) depending on the situation and based solely case by case.
That said, like most laws which are based on the concept that a young person may desire sex but may lack the experience possessed by legal adults to make a mature decision, I think the same rules should apply to “sexting” in cases where one is an adult and the other a minor. Maybe in this case it could be classified as ‘child pornography’ but only in two instances:
- The adult (or person of consenting age) was the person taking the picture of someone who is not the legal age of consent
- The adult (or person of consenting age) asked for the photos from someone who is not the legal age of consent
- Upon receiving the photos (without asking for them) the adult did not delete them or reprimand the “child” for such behaviour, identifying it as inappropriate and educating them why.
While I do find it inappropriate for teens to be taking nude/barely dressed photo’s of them selves and posting them for others to see, when ever it comes to the subject of teens, their sexuality and/or forms of sexual expression I find myself constantly having to choose between the lesser of two evils; would I prefer someone actually had sex or took photo’s of them self for the purpose of sexual gratification?
Knowing the possible ramifications and risks associated with intercourse, I choose the latter. Especially when it’s used in the attempt to delay sexual intercourse between two individuals who are in a committed, consensual, trusting relationship, but not sure if they are ready to deal with consequences like contracting an STD or an unintended pregnancy that come with it.
That said, do I think “sexting” a case for “criminal offence” or “child pornography”…no. It just serves to reinforce the need for more positive education on sex/sexuality and a wider scope of understanding.
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