Archive for February, 2010
In the middle of an argument with my husband the other night – one of those getting ready for bed and “oops” someone said the wrong thing experiences – I had a humbling revelation. I discovered that making comparisons is just another way of playing the blame game.
As someone who holds the intention to stop blaming others, I’d completely overlooked the not-so-innocent habit of making comparisons, especially comparisons between men and women where women always come out on top! Comparisons such as women are better at nurturing relationships, better at communication, better at being thoughtful, better at anticipating relationship problems, better at taking action to solve those problems, etc. As relationship coaches and mentors, understanding the differences between men and women is part of our business! However, there is an important distinction between understanding differences and making evaluative comparisons.
Stop Playing The Blame Game
Then a friend of mine, Kaliana, expressed this thought at her blog, “Erase from your relationship ‘who is to blame’ and replace it with ‘how do we grow?’” Although the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely a couple is to atrophy into playing the blame game; some people carry it from one relationship to another. They sing the “S/he done me wrong” song on the first date and ever after until the next refrain is, “You done me wrong!” At any point in your relationship (or your life for that matter), you can learn to shift from the blame game to the joy and satisfaction game by asking yourself at every turn, “How do I/we grow?”
Blaming others shows up in many ways. I’ve already mentioned the comparison version. When women compare their men to themselves or their girlfriends and find the men lacking, the men wind up getting blamed for their masculine essence. On one of this year’s Super Bowl commercials, I heard the most amazing line from a man about his woman. It went something like this, “I will listen to you when you want to talk and not speak when what I want to say isn’t what you want to hear.” That’s insane! You don’t have to read between the lines, the not so hidden message is right there. Men, to make your women happy, don’t speak – ever; unless, of course, you plan to agree with her.
The commercial was funny but many couples’ lived reality isn’t. Any comparison that results in shutting down communication means somebody got blamed for being less than ideal – for being human.
Blame Without Words
More typical ways people play the blame game shows up in things like name calling, tone of voice, eye rolling, exiting the room, resentment filled sighs, etc. You know when you do that you’ve blamed your lover for something. If you’re sensitive at all you realize that you just struck a mean blow with the blame and now any further conversation will take a downhill turn before things can get better between you.
What you may not realize is that even when you think you’re keeping those little blame game behaviors private; such as rolling your eyes out of their view, claming the sigh means you’re just tired, or calling them names inside your head but not speaking it out loud, the blame game is still going on and suffering will ensue.
My friend’s antidote of asking how we can grow is genius! Oftentimes, the very thing that gets on your nerves today was something you once found charming. Asking how you can grow from this experience can get you back in touch with how you once perceived them and what you felt about them when you first fell in love. It can be a reminder that you don’t want to become one of those embittered couples that no one wants to be around.
How To Stop Blaming Your Partner
If you find yourself blaming your lover because he or she has gotten into the habit of taking you for granted, perhaps even being downright rude and mean, you can grow from the experience by exploring what in you has allowed yourself to be treated badly. If you find yourself blaming your lover because of the complex differences between men and women you can grow through making the choice to celebrate your differences instead.
If the blame game turns into one of those excruciating, cathartic fights, you can grow from choosing again to commit yourselves to love each other with expressions of loving kindness, compassion, empathy, and respect. You can grow each and every time you stop yourself at the blame game and make another choice. When you are vigilant about not playing the blame game, choosing instead to grow from the stuff that bothers you, you find you have a happy relationship, even a life, full of joy and satisfaction.
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When you’re in a sexual relationship with someone, things can get complicated. Lots of questions can come up, and many of them can be difficult to discuss with your partner. If your partner wants to have sex all the time, it might make you wonder if your partner is only in it for the sex, or do they really enjoy your company? How can you tell?
Question: I think my current boyfriend may be in it only for the sex (everyone says he’s a sex addict). The first month was amazing and now it’s just like he only wants to hang if we are going to have sex. How can I tell if he’s just into it for the sex?
–YouTube Viewer
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Does A High Sex Drive Mean They Don’t Love You?
In this situation, it’s important not to confuse your partner having a high sex drive with their feelings for you. If your partner has a high sex drive, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or don’t enjoy spending time with you if you’re not having sex. Your partner may just have a large sexual appetite. Ask yourself this – does your partner only want to spend time with you if he knows that sex will be involved or does he simply want to have sex with you when you’re together? If it’s the latter, it doesn’t mean he wants you only for sex – it just means that he really likes having sex with you!
Listen To Your Gut
It can be difficult to distinguish whether your partner wants you just for sex or just really likes having sex with you a lot. No one can tell you the answer to this question – it’s something you have to find out yourself. Listen to your gut and follow your instincts. How does he act when you’re together and not having sex? What does he say when he’s away from you? Try letting your partner know that you want to have a date or spend time with him where there’s no sex involved, because you really enjoy his company. What is his reaction? Just be careful not to place blame on him or criticize him while you’re still trying to find out what his true motives are. If he really does care for you, finding out that you think he’s only in it for the sex might be very hurtful to him.
If He’s In It For The Sex
If you find out that your partner is just in it for the sex, consider letting him go and moving on – just make sure that you’re confident that he’s only in the relationship for sex or you might be giving up a relationship with someone who truly cares about you. However, if you’re really sure that he only wants sex, don’t stay with him because you think you won’t meet anyone else or because you think youll be able to make him care for you. There are many people out there who will want to have a fulfilling relationship with you, sexually and emotionally.
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Finding a date these days isn’t as easy as walking into a bar or cafe and checking someone out – in fact, it’s easier and you can do it from your own home! Many dating outlets exist today, including online dating, Facebook and phone dating. What is the best way to find a date – online or on the phone?
Click here to view the embedded video.
The Benefits Of Phone Dating
There are many benefits of phone dating, some of them similar to online or Facebook dating. With phone dating, you can meet people and talk to them in real time, without ever leaving the comfort of your own home. It’s a great way for people who are shy or people who don’t like traditional dating to meet and get to know other people. With phone dating, you don’t have a long profile to fill out or questions to answer about yourself like you do with online dating. You don’t even have to upload a photo, so you can get to know others without them judging you first based on how you look. Also, phone dating is great for people who aren’t computer savvy or who simply don’t want to be on the computer.
Protecting Your Privacy
Phone dating is a great way to protect your privacy and identity while getting to know potential dates. Phone dating services such as Livelinks connects you to other people through their phone system, so your phone number stays completely anonymous. Even online dating or Facebook does not afford as much privacy as phone dating can, and for many people, staying completely anonymous is essential. Although you are anonymous during phone dating, it is much more personal than a simple email or comment left on an online dating profile or a Facebook page. Never underestimate the power of talking to someone one on one and having a real, honest conversation with them. With phone dating, you can really get a feel for people in a way that you can’t with dating over the Internet.
Making It Work
Phone dating, like online dating or Facebook dating, can be a great start to a relationship or friendship, but it is not going to keep a relationship afloat without the intimacy of meeting someone face to face. To make phone dating really work, you have to be open to arranging to meet someone you’re interested in after having a few great conversations with them. Remember to always meet in a public place, preferably during the day or at least in a well lit area if you’re going in the evening, and make sure you let a friend or someone else know where you’re going. Phone dating is a wonderful way to meet someone great, but it’s important to take steps to keep yourself safe just in case. If you’ve never used a phone dating service to meet someone, try it for free – it might be just what you need to give your dating life the boost you’ve been looking for!
Try Livelinks Chatline for free at 1.866.984.2428
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It can be tempting to try just about anything to spice up your sex life. If you’ve heard of ecstasy, you probably know that many people who have taken it have said it gave them the “best sex of their lives.” Is this true? Is ecstasy safe to take? Should you take ecstasy to make your sex life hotter?
Question: My boyfriend & I have been together for about a year. Our friends have told us that ecstasy is good for the sex life.
I kinda want to try it. I would like to know what you think. What should I do?–YouTube Viewer
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Ecstasy And Sex
While many people believe that ecstasy can enhance sex, it only does so for a short time. Often, people who have sex on ecstasy report eventually not being able to have satisfying sex at all without the drug and therefore become addicted to sex on ecstasy. Not only can the drug eventually ruin your sex life unless you have it, it can also be dangerous to your health. Many teens and adults who are sold what they think is ecstasy are actually unknowingly taking other drugs that can easily cause overdose, convulsions, bleeding out and death. Since ecstasy is difficult to manufacture due to the inability to easily obtain its controlled ingredients, other dangerous but easier to get ingredients are substituted, changing the drug’s composition into something unknown. Even ecstasy that contains only the true ingredients of the drug can cause long term depression, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping and an overdose can cause more serious problems including death. Taking ecstasy to make sex hotter is a personal choice, but is it worth the risk? Probably not.
Having A Great Sex Life Without Drugs
It is possible to have an amazing, fantastic sex life with your partner that absolutely rocks your world every time you have sex without the use of dangerous drugs. Trying new things in the bedroom can help spice up your sex life, and you can even try visiting a sex therapist to get some pointers on how to become emotionally and sexually closer to your partner so you can start experiencing explosive sex. Even if your sex life seems dull right now, you can give it a jolt without the dangers of using drugs.
Tantric Sex
Tantric sex is a great way to feel emotionally and sexually close to your partner, and many people who regularly practice Tantric sex report that each and every time is amazing. Learning how to use Tantric sex to make your sex life unforgettable isn’t hard – there are many books and websites devoted to this form of sex. Tantric sex helps you to learn how to balance your body, mind and spirit and become open to giving and receiving pleasure. There are many elements of Tantric sex that will be new to you, and it can help make your sex life more interesting and exciting than you ever thought possible. Tantric sex will also help to improve the emotional connection you have with your partner, and great sex comes more easily to two people who are deeply connected on an emotional and spiritual level.
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If your partner wants sex less than you, it can be frustrating. Whether it’s the quality of sex or the quantity of it that is suffering, it’s no fun when she just isn’t that into it. What causes a woman’s sex drive to decrease, or even become non-existent? Is there something wrong? What can you do?
Question: My girlfriend is good with sex once or twice a month. She doesnt crave it! She is 26. Shouldn’t she?
–YouTube Viewer
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Different People, Different Needs
Sexual needs – as well as physical and emotional needs – aren’t the same for men as they are for women and these needs can even differ from person to person. There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” amount of sex to crave or want, and various people can be satisfied by very little sex while others just can’t get enough. What makes a sexual relationship a good one is if two people’s sexual needs match. If you and your partner both want lots of sex, you can easily satisfy each other. If neither you nor your partner needs a lot of sex to satisfy your sexual desires, no one in the relationship is lacking. It’s important to find a way to be compatible with your partner sexually, in both quantity and quality.
Make Sure She Enjoys Sex
One reason a woman can become disinterested in sex is if sex literally becomes disinteresting to her. If she’s not enjoying sex, and it’s simply becoming a job to her or another thing on her to-do list, she’s not going to want it very often. Make sure she’s getting as much out of sex as you are. If she’s not, there’s simply no reason for her to have sex. Make an effort to give her an orgasm every time, and do things she enjoys doing in the bedroom. Communicate with her and ask her what turns her on and what her fantasies are.
Why She Might Not Want Sex
Sometimes in a woman’s life, sex is great – when you can find time to enjoy it. A woman who is tired all the time from work, or stressed out because of kids or other resp0nsibilities will quickly find her need for sex dwindling. If your partner is overwhelmed, try taking some of the strain off her by offering to cook dinner or do the laundry. If you have kids, get a babysitter for a night and let your partner just relax. Even if you don’t have sex that night, she’ll be in a better frame of mind to be able to enjoy sex another night. Another contributing factor for a decreased sex drive is medical problems or medications. Certain medical conditions – such as depression or even physical problems – can be responsible for a non-existent sex drive. Some medications can also cause a decrease in sex drive, including medications for anxiety and depression.
If you have tried talking to your partner, learning how to give her great orgasms and pleasure during sex, and tried taking some of her daily stress away and she still isn’t responding with an improved sexual appetite, consider visiting your doctor for the next step.
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This is most certainly a rant rather than a blog, but I hope you’ll allow me this indulgence, and excuse my use of strong language. This is an issue that many single mothers, including me, can related to, and I think it’s important to address.
You may have heard the news about Scott Roeder, who was recently found guilty of first-degree, premeditated murder. He admits to having shot Dr. George Tiller, and it only took the jury just over half an hour to reach a guilty verdict.
From the Associated Press: Scott Roeder had confessed publicly before the trial and admitted again on the witness stand that he shot Tiller in the head in the foyer of the Wichita church where the doctor was serving as an usher. He testified he felt the lives of unborn children were in “immediate danger” because of Tiller.
I cannot imagine the pain and emotional outrage the Tiller family must be going through right now. This kind of senseless loss is unfathomable, and as I think about this situation, I’m noticing my own prejudices coming to the surface. Putting emotions aside for the moment, I’m curious as to why we direct our anger toward the symptom rather than the illness.
Preventing Abortion?
How about instead of shooting the messenger, let’s analyze the message. If more women stopped using their insecurities and then their bodies to entice men into relationships, and if more men would take responsibility for their actions and, well, man up, perhaps the abortion rate wouldn’t be as high as it is. Sex is is not about playing around – it’s a responsibility, and becoming a parent is a possible outcome that needs to be taken very seriously. If we get in line with our inner wisdom, we would easily see that the equation is simple: if you want the enjoyment of sex, you have to accept the potential consequences, as well. Perhaps if we dealt with the buried issues that cause us to use sex as a bargaining chip, there would be less inclination to use abortion as birth control.
Biologically, the point of sex is reproduction, but if you look around at the number of kids with absent dads, it’s easy to see that people don’t really take their responsibilities seriously.
So what if instead of Pro-Life, America went Pro-DAD? Then the news might read more like this:
Across the country, men are suddenly stepping up to the plate, as the responsibilities of having sex finally become clear to them. They have finally begun to comprehend that their place as fathers is to personally show their children how to survive and get along in the world, while the mother takes on her role in teaching the children to love themselves. In this way, parents are now able to provide a situation in which they raise their children as a team, and create a dynamic of mutual respect where the child feel safe and secure. Without this partnership, a single mother struggles to meet all the needs of the child, both physically and emotionally. Men and women everywhere are coming to the conclusion that each of us has a responsibility to be honest about our actions. As a result, the abortion rate has dropped dramatically.
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It’s no secret that guys absolutely love blowjobs. In fact, many men would prefer getting a blowjob to having sex. Some women, however, don’t like giving men oral sex and especially don’t like the idea of swallowing semen when he has an orgasm. Is there any way to get a girl turned on by the idea of giving her man oral sex?
Question: Hello, I am 32 and been with my girlfriend for 9 years. In the past, we have had oral sex a lot and in the past 4 years it has went downhill at 65 mph. She would rather stroke it off or just have sex. She on the other hand loves receiving oral sex. How can I get her to give me oral and finish the job? She doesn’t like the taste, and the thought of it makes her sick. I crave it very badly!
–YouTube Viewer
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Improving The Taste Of Your Semen
The biggest complaint that women have about giving oral sex is that they don’t like the taste of semen. Some men’s semen is bitter, or too salty, and just doesn’t taste good going down. If your partner has no problem with the temperature or texture of semen – only the taste of it – there are some ways you can improve the taste of your ejaculate. Start by eliminating toxins such as alcohol and cigarettes if you smoke, and add lots of vegetables and fruits to your diet. Pineapple juice or fresh pineapple is a great way to quickly make your semen taste sweeter. You can try to compromise with your partner and let her know that you’re doing things to improve the taste of your ejaculate and ask her if she’ll try again.
Don’t Pressure Her
Many women don’t like the temperature or texture of semen, and no amount of fresh pineapple will change that. If your partner really doesn’t like the idea of you finishing in her mouth and swallowing your ejaculate, don’t pressure her. There are just some things that many women won’t do, and swallowing is one of them. Don’t make a big deal out of it, because you may end up getting cut off from getting a blowjob all together, if that hasn’t already happened. If your partner has made it clear that letting you finish in her mouth is just something she’s not willing to do, pressing the issue could do damage to your relationship both sexually and emotionally. It’s important that on this issue, you respect her wishes if you can’t reach a compromise with her.
Trying Different Things
There are many different things you and your partner can do in the bedroom to satisfy each other sexually. If you are uncomfortable doing something or your partner is, make an effort to find something else that you both like to do and can agree on. Try incorporating role play, light bondage or sex toys into the bedroom to heat things up, or take a break from sex all together for awhile - called ”sex detox” – to help restart your engines. Don’t give up on finding new ways to please your partner and receive pleasure yourself , because there is always something new to try!
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- Oral Sex and Orgasm Dilemma – I Want To Finish In Her Mouth… (Video)
- How To Improve The Taste Of Your Semen
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- How To Give A Guy Head: Be A Diva In Bed & Give Him A Mind-Blowing Orgasm Using Your Mouth!
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Wondering if you got a girl pregnant or not can definitely get you stressed out and worried in an instant. Many women show signs of pregnancy, even in the early stages of pregnancy, and some women show no signs at all. How can you tell if a girl is pregnant? Is there a surefire way to find out if she is pregnant or not?
Question: How do you know if your girl is pregnant? I’m a guy & am a little worried I did get her pregnant, and am curious as to the signs.
–YouTube Viewer
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Signs Of Pregnancy
Some women exhibit signs of pregnancy and sometimes do so even before they know they are pregnant. Many signs of pregnancy include irritability, fatigue, sore breasts and cramping without bleeding. The most common sign of pregnancy is a missed period. None of these signs, however, will definitively tell you whether a girl is pregnant or not. Many other health conditions – and even something as simple as stress – can cause some or all of these symptoms in women. Also, many women can be pregnant and not exhibit any signs of pregnancy, including continuing having what seems like a monthly period throughout pregnancy.
Home Pregnancy Tests
The easiest and fastest way to determine pregnancy for yourself is to purchase a home pregnancy test. There is no age limit on pregnancy tests, so anyone can buy them. Pregnancy tests range from more expensive digital models to simple ones that are available at dollar stores. A pregnancy test detects HCg – a hormone called human chorionic gonadatropin – and is only produced by a woman during pregnancy. Some pregnancy tests can detect this hormone as early as five or six days before a woman’s expected period, and a positive result is almost 100% accurate. A false negative is more likely, simply because some women do not produce enough HCg to register on the test until they’re well into pregnancy. When purchasing a pregnancy test, get two. Take the first one the earliest the box says you can and no earlier. If it’s positive, take the other. If that is positive, schedule an appointment with your doctor. If the first test is negative, wait a week and take the other. If it is still negative, you’re probably in the clear. However, a missed period with a negative pregnancy test still needs to be investigated by a physician.
Seeing The Doctor
A doctor can determine pregnancy with a blood test, a urine test (much like a home pregnancy test) or a physical exam. If you’ve gotten a positive result on a pregnancy test, your doctor will automatically repeat the urine analysis, in addition to other tests to confirm the pregnancy. If you’ve missed a period and are still having negative pregnancy results, your doctor will likely take blood and perform a physical exam to determine if a pregnancy exists.
While stressing out about a possible unwanted pregnancy is common, there’s nothing you can accomplish by worrying. The best way to put your mind at ease is to practice safer sex to begin with – or starting now, if you’re lucky enough to have had only a pregnancy scare.
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Often in relationships, especially steady and monogomous relationships, sex can get a little boring or dull. Does that mean your sex life is over, or you have to find a new partner to have a good sex life? Hardly! Here are some great ideas you can incorporate into the bedroom to spice up your sex life – and your relationship will likely improve too!
Question: My love and I have been sexually active for almost 4 years now. We have tried just about everything in the bedroom from romance to role play, to toys and a little friendly torture. As of lately things are a bit dull. How can I spice things up to make her, myself, and our relationship get a breath of fresh air, without making possible awkward suggestions?
–YouTube Viewer
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Sexual Detox
If your sex life seems to be lacking – regardless of what you do to spice it up – you might be burnt out on sex all together. Often, when sex gets boring, one or both partners throw themselves into an effort of making it better. Therefore, many couples end up having sex more often and trying new things in the bedroom, all without actually improving the quality of their sex lives. If this is your story, it might be time for a break – something called “Sex Detox.” Ian Kerner’s book of the same name details how you can use a thirty day break from sex to your advantage to take your sex life from “blah” to the way it used to be.
“Thrill Of The Chaste”
Ian Kerner says what makes sex detox work is the “thrill of the chaste.” When you and your partner first got together, every kiss and every touch was electric. Why? Because it was new. Your body and mind weren’t accustomed to them. By actively abstaining from sex for at least a month, you and your partner can re-create those feelings. Once again, each touch will become all new again. Your body will react differently to a touch that it is not accustomed to, and you’ll begin to experience your partner in a different way.
The Difference Between Not Having Sex And Choosing Not To Have Sex
Often in a relationship, daily stresses take their toll on sex. Kids, careers and housekeeping all get in the way of a great sex life. Often, couples are so tired by the time they step foot in the bedroom that they simply can’t bring themselves to do anything but hit the sack – literally. Instead of letting your life stop you from having sex, make the decision that you’re going to not have sex for a month yourself. Instead of being too tired to have sex, you’ll be trying not to have sex. The shift in mentality makes a huge difference, because as human beings, we all want something more when we’re trying to do without it, just like how good chocolate cake looks and smells when you’re on a diet. Once your diet is over, that chocolate cake will taste even better! The same applies with going on a sexual “diet” from your partner. You and your partner will constantly be tempting and enticing each other in a way that you never have before!
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- 4 Secrets Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Sex Life
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Finding out that your partner is cheating is hard – what can be even more difficult is suspecting your partner of cheating, especially if all the signs of infidelity are there, but never actually getting a firm, concrete answer one way or the other. How can you find out your partner is cheating for sure, and how can you fix your relationship if they are?
Question: A week ago I caught my wife flirting with another man on text. She tells me that she never touched another man, but I somewhat don’t believe her. Can I trust her not to do it again? This was her first time in a 5 year marriage. She has a new job and works tons of overtime. She recently started going to the gym and changed from thongs to boy shorts. Should I question her more about another man or are the new changes just something new?
–YouTube Viewer
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Changes In Your Partner’s Routine
Any partner that suddenly makes a number of changes in their normal routine and grooming habits – whether it’s a guy or a girl – could be cheating. If your partner suddenly changes their hair, the way they dress, or starts changing their daily habits (such as starting to stay at work late on a regular basis) could be trying to impress someone and chances are, it’s not you. While this doesn’t necessarily amount to “evidence” against your partner, this type of behavior certainly raises some red flags for infidelity.
Changes In The Relationship
What should you do if you suspect your partner is cheating? Think about what you want to do – if you accuse your partner of cheating, with or without substantial evidence, you’ll likely get a denial and you may even get dumped regardless of whether they’re actually having an affair or not. Are you ready for it to be over? If not, avoid a confrontation at all costs. Think about where the weak points are in your relationship. Are you giving your partner enough attention? Are you complimenting them and doing things they like to do? A big reason that both men and women cheat on their partners is that they’re not getting something they need out of that relationship – so they start getting it from somewhere else. Try to find what your partner isn’t getting and start being the one to give it.
Consider Counseling
Relationshp counseling is a great way to help repair a broken relationship after infidelity, but it only helps if you and your partner are in the counselor’s office for the right reasons. Going in to accuse your partner of cheating and trying to “fix” them isn’t going to work, it’s going to backfire in a very bad way. Remember, there is an underlying reason for your partner’s infidelity and while it shouldn’t be considered an “excuse” or a way for them to blame you, it needs to be considered a factor in what happened. Work with a counselor to repair what went wrong in the relationship instead of placing blame, and work with them to find ways to give your partner what they need in the relationship while getting what you need in return.
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