The 10 Rules of Cheating
Rule of Cheating #10
- Have fun and enjoy yourself
An affair should feel good. If it doesn’t, find a better lover. Every moment should give you an unbearable lightness and sense of well being. When people start to ask why you seem so happy, tell them there must be something going around, and if they are lucky they will catch it too. Then wink, smile, and saunter away.
Rule of Cheating #9
- Communicate your needs and desires with your lover
Be sure that your lover wants the same things out of an affair that you do. Don’t get caught in a fatal attraction. Venus and Mars not only want different things out of marriages, they also want very different things from affairs. A man may say he lacks an emotional bond with his wife and needs that from his lover. What he wants, however, is a physical connection that provides sexual gratification. Women on the other hand want an emotional connection. They are happy to forgo sexual intimacy but not romance.
Rule of Cheating #8
- Involve your family with the new you
If you decide you want to improve your body and a gym membership is the answer, encourage your spouse to join the gym too. Keep your family involved in any changes you make to your physical appearance, spiritual well being, or professional life. Never embark on activities that will set you apart from the family or your spouse.
Rule of Cheating #7
- Avoid obvious changes in interests and habits
When you begin an affair, the excitement of being with a new person who has different interests and different ways of doing things, often spills over into your own life. Be mindful not to acquire too many of your new lovers tastes, attitudes and behaviours.
Rule of Cheating #6
- Don’t show off in bed
Your girlfriend may enjoy your new found sexual liberation, but your wife won’t. On the contrary, she may be more interested in knowing how you learned everything, rather than experiencing your newly discovered sexual knowledge. Keep things on the down-low with your spouse. If missionary is what kept the fires burning in the early days, keep doing it, even if you have to stifle yawns. Don’t try to introduce your spouse to 69 unless you are picking lottery numbers. Save the Khuma Suttra for your lover.
Rule of Cheating #5
- Love lavishly, spend moderately
Establish your own bank and credit accounts. Don’t tell your spouse! Keep these items for use with your lover, but spend moderately. Try to have your new financial accounts mailed to a P.O. Box number or your office address. Don’t use your home mailing address. Even if you don’t have joint financial accounts, a nosy spouse might accidentally open your mail, then voila! The Visa purchases will be out of the bag. If your spouse discovers your new credit cards or uncovers expensive items you have purchased for your lover, it will be very hard to explain these items. It’s unlikely that your spouse will believe that the Victoria Secrets purchases were cable knit wool sweaters for your Aunt Margaret.
Rule of Cheating #4
- Don’t become overly conscientious about your appearance
A new lover usually inspires us to take better care of ourselves. Resist. If your nose hairs are more prominent than the hairs on your chinny chin-chin, so be it. Don’t trade-in your tighty whities for Calvin Klein body briefs. These changes, although they may seem minor, coupled with other changes in your life act like a beacon suggesting to even a self-absorbed wife the possibility of an affair.
Rule of Cheating #3
- Secure an iron clad alibi
You may have to elicit the support of a good friend to cover your ass, when your pants are down. Someone your spouse trusts and likes is ideal, but not always wise. Your friend may eventually feel conflicting loyalties, not to mention down right jealousy. A friend known to your spouse, but not necessarily chummy may work best. All you really need is someone who can vouch for your whereabouts or give you a reason to go out on an overnight excursion three weekends in a row.
Rule of Cheating #2
- Maintain a reasonable interest in your spouse and family
Keep things on an even keel. Don’t become overly attentive in an attempt to mask disinterest. Plaster a friendly smile on your face, feign interest in the nosy neighbors, your wife’s sponge cake, and the backyard garden. No one needs to know the real reason for your smile is not the tulips, but rather the memory of your lover’s two lips.
Rule of Cheating #1
- Don’t change your routine
Although you may be to spend more time with your lover, don’t mysteriously start working late or putting in over time on Saturday mornings. If this has not been past practice, now is not the time to begin.
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