 the authors see singlehood as a crime scene |
| Reviewer: Bella DePaulo, Summerland, CA |
I became curious about this book because, according to Amazon, people who buy my book on singles, SINGLED OUT, often buy this book as well. The two books could hardly be more different.
Although Rodgers and Rodgers say on p. 9 that they do not think there is anything wrong with being single, everything else in the book suggests quite the opposite. You can judge this book by the cover. Look at it: Yellow crime scene tape with words like "cynicism" and "perfectionism" is wrapped around their topic, "The Singlehood Phenomenon." Look at the subtitle: "10 Brutally Honest Reasons People Aren't Getting Married." Authors Rodgers and Rodgers know why you are single - there's something wrong with you. This is a singles-bashing book.
In contrast, SINGLED OUT shows, using social science data, that most of the claims that stereotype and stigmatize people are grossly exaggerated or just plain wrong. The Rodgers book accepts the stereotypes at face value. For example, the Rodgers book claims that single men "want to stay little boys who play with their toys" (p. 86). People who stay single, the Rodgers book maintains, will "grow old alone" (p. 162). Rodgers and Rodgers also believe that the effects of divorce on children are "profound, if not traumatic" (p. 82). The authors claim that single people are loners who are also self-centered (p. 84).
There are 89 million American adults who are unmarried. Of course, SINGLED OUT acknowledges, some of them really are immature or selfish, and some children of divorced parents really are traumatized. But most are not. SINGLED OUT also shows, drawing from social science data, that people who get married do not generally become happier, less selfish, or more giving than they were when they were single. And children of single parents are not doomed.
Although there is no forewarning of this in the title, Rodgers and Rodgers practice Christian counseling, and they promise in the introduction to give "practical and biblical ways" of overcoming your reasons for being single. The "practical" reasons are at the end of each chapter. For example: "Pray that the Lord will give you His perspective on marriage. Trust Him to do it and He will" (p. 94). Drawing from Christian writings about men and women, the authors also make statements such as "God designed man to be the leader" (p. 91). In contrast, when SINGLED OUT mentions religion, it is to ask questions such as whether single people are treated as respectfully as married people in their places of worship.
I disagree with almost all of this Rodgers and Rodgers book, but I was not bored by it. The stories about various single people are interesting. But the authors' insistence that single people are more flawed than married people, and that by getting married, they will become better people, is unsupported by science. Moreover, the Rodgers book stigmatizes single people and creates unrealistic expectations about marriage. SINGLED OUT does neither of these things.
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Mixes psychology and Christianity to help frustrated older singles.
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| Reviewer: Erik Olson, Ridgefield, WA United States |
It appears that a new wave of Christian books targeting singles is coming on the market. "The Singlehood Phenomenon" is one for older singles who are still unmarried for a variety of dysfunctional reasons. As a Christian singleton that recently turned forty, I certainly fit the demographic. I'm always up for a book that will 1) help me be a better candidate for marriage, or 2) enable me to be more content as a single. This one helps with the first point, but falls short on the second.
Tom and Beverly Rodgers have been Christian relationship counselors for twenty-six years. They have identified "ten brutally honest reasons people aren't getting married," and have created "The Soul Healing Love Model" to help correct these barriers to matrimony. This is done by confronting and healing wounds, often from childhood, that prevent healthy relationships. Their goal is for everyone who desires a spouse to deal with their hang-ups so they can meet a "soul mate" and get married.
The overarching theme of "The Singlehood Phenomenon" is that we must conquer our relational issues in Christ before a healthy dating relationship (not to mention marriage) is feasible. Each obstacle to finding one's soul mate gets its own chapter, such as "Wanting the Perfect Mate," "Fear of Getting Hurt," and "Concern That the Marriage Will Fail." To provide context, the authors use an example of someone who demonstrates the issue and is working it out through the Soul Healing Love Model. I found myself identifying with many of the protagonists, since at one time or another I've wrestled with many of their issues (and still do, more or less). Overall, I enjoyed "The Singlehood Phenomenon." It challenged me to continue confronting my cynical attitudes and pet dysfunctions in the area of dating and marriage.
However, I struggled with some aspects of "The Soul Healing Love Model." First, the authors' use of the loaded term "soul mate" is somewhat disconcerting. At least they reveal a reasonable definition early on in Chapter 2, a key aspect being their acknowledgement that a soul mate is "formed as well as found (p. 32)." Second, my skeptical button is always pushed by healing methodologies with cute names. They're almost as numerous as denominations, and their differences (and similarities) are just as frustrating. Third, having one issue is bad enough. But what if you exhibit multiple "brutally honest reasons?" Based on the trials each person went through with a single hang-up, dealing with a bunch would probably prevent marriage until retirement age. For that reason, I would've liked a more integrated approach to healing. Finally, I wanted the authors' insights into healthy and contented singlehood, especially after my recent brush with middle age - and because we often have to live with unfulfilled desires. Unfortunately, you'll need to look elsewhere for that information (Luci Swindoll, anyone?).
Ultimately, this book gives the impression that it's probably best to marry early in life, if only to avoid winding up alone with all this nasty baggage. If your dating life has become a cautionary tale to younger singles (ahem), then the mixture of psychology and Christianity in "The Singlehood Phenomenon" may provide some help. I suggest supplementing this book with "Boundaries in Dating," by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. For a more spiritual focus on singleness, get "Loves Me, Loves Me Not," by Laura Smit - one of the best I've read on dealing with singleness in Christ. |
Well-articulated points deliver general knowledge about a compelling topic.
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| Reviewer: Anthony Centore Ph.D., www.ThriveBoston.com (Cambridge, MA) |
A brief read, The Singlehood Phenomenon suggests 10 reasons why attractive and seemingly available Americans are single (31% of the US population was unmarried in 2004. That's up from 10%, in 1970). To illustrate the 10 reasons, the text is peppered with vignettes of unmarried persons with various problem issues.
Sally the Fitness Instructor scares away men.
Don the Pastor attracts needy women.
Rachel the twice-Divorcee is a people pleaser.
These stock characters add life to the authors' points, but fall short of portraying the complex personalities and compelling stories of real people. Another weakness of the work is that the content overall is somewhat dulled, having been mostly borrowed from general counseling knowledge and popular self-help books of the past. Incorporating more applicable research findings would have made for more compelling arguments.
Nonetheless, this book has merit in that it reviews a fresh issue in an otherwise saturated market of relationship self-help. And, while most self-help prescribes a behavioral 1-2-3, seasoned therapists Beverly and Tom Rodgers guide the reader to overcome problem issues, past pains, and unhelpful interpersonal patterns in new ways. For one, they beseech the reader to look inward--to unpack his or her emotional baggage before sabotaging another relationship.
Persons interested in the topic of singleness should buy the book. It is worth reading and the authors include a money-back guarantee: If you're not satisfied you can tear out the title page and mail it to NavPress for a full refund. |
A singles book without the sugar
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| Reviewer: Thomas M. Magee, |
| This book is perfect for the rising segment of our nation, the single. It is an excellent book for any single person. They really cover the facts from a bibical point of view without the romantic sap that pollutes other books. The authors really get down to the brass tacks of the situation. I think most readers who are single will find some of themselves in almost every chapter. The story is also interlaced with bible verses. This provides some firm base for what the book has to say. A good book for any single person over the age of 30. |
Thank you for an amazing book!
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| Reviewer: Mackie, Hendersonville |
| I have no doubt many lives will be changed by your research. Your practical advice will help the reader easily identify and correct the behaviors that create barriers between themselves and true, lasting love. You have helped me realize that by putting God first, all facets of life and love can begin to take shape according to his perfect plan. Thank you for reminding me that God loves me and for equipping me with the tools to be a more effective communicator. |
Helps you deal with beliefs, behaviors, and struggles with singlehood
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| Reviewer: Kevin A. Decker, Charlotte, NC |
My neighbor Kathy shocked me when she told me that she was pregnant. Single and a school teacher, she was struggling to keep her bills paid, her dog fed, and take care of an aging house. Kathy explained to me that the odds of her getting married and having it last were no better than 50/50 and even though she was regularly dating there weren't any real prospects in sight, she wanted children, and she wasn't willing to wait any longer!
Another person confused about marriage by the media, frustrated by dealing with others with similar beliefs, and skeptical about finding a "Soul Mate."
I wish The Singlehood Phenomenon was available then. Written by a couple, Drs. Beverly and Tom Rodgers who've been married for over 30 years and Christian counselors for 26 years, they explain that having a soul mate starts with multiple levels of mutual attraction but then takes work to define, refine, and enhance. That's covered in reason #2 of the 10 Brutally Honest Reasons People Aren't Getting Married.
The 10 reasons are:
1. Skepticism about Love and Marriage
2. Lack of Faith in God's Provision
3. Unresolved Issues From the Past
4. Confusion About the Rules
5. A Poor Understanding of the Purpose of Marriage
6. Fear of Getting Hurt
7. Wanting the Perfect Mate
8. Not Dealing with Prior Heartbreak
9. An Unbalanced Emphasis on Career
10.Concern that My Marriage Will Fail
Each reason gets its' own treatment in a chapter of The Singlehood Phenomenon. Each chapter begins with a definition of the premise and a real life example from the Rodgers years of experience. Each chapter ends with sections on Making it Practical: What About Me?; For Further Thought; and Growing Your Faith.
I think that The Singlehood Phenomenon is a tool that Kathy and other singles, especially Christian singles, should have in their toolbox for dealing with the struggle of finding someone that they can love, and will love them, for a lifetime.
Kevin Decker, host of [...] |
worth your time
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| Reviewer: Darin L. Mirante, |
| Bella Depaulo's opinion(see review below) is not valid, because he just wants people to buy his book...if he has to bash another author's opinion on the subject of singlehood, that is just sad. This is not a perfect book, but it is definitely a worthwhile read as it opened me up to many of my tendencies regarding potential relationships. I am quite a cynic when it comes to relationships and typically don't give this kind of material the time of day, but this one is worth your time. |
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